I ... just put something together that feels like I could get traction on this.
All the things that I've always wanted to change about myself, but couldn't. All the patterns I couldn't help but fall into, even though I knew they were "wrong" or would get me in trouble.
...those are innate, aren't they? It matches the definition of "innate" perfectly. Things I actually can't change about myself.
This is exactly why I'm jealous of otherkin. That unshakeable faith that they -are- something. They don't need to justify how they feel deep down. It's innate in a spiritual way. I have never felt that way and I have always longed to, but "because I want to" is exactly the opposite of something being innate.
Something I do always have problems with is the assumption in furry circles that I have a single character who is me. I feel a little hobbled by not having a ready answer to that. I don't have anyone who is "my OC". I have a city full of them. I can map things about myself onto dozens of different characters, so I end up feeling terminally indecisive and not really afforded the same ability to participate in things as people who can just say "this is me".
🛅, identity stuff
ADHD, too. I can't tell if I have that or not. I sometimes show signs of it, and they're ones I recognize having followed me around all my life, but I've never been formally diagnosed with any kind of mental/emotional thing, and I think a large part of that was my parents deciding not to. That I was just the "weird smart kid" and it wasn't worth delving any deeper into _why_.
🛅, identity stuff
• Sexual orientation. What I know: I don't want to see exposed genitals or bare breasts. They drive me away. So I'm ace, right? But I can't tell if that behavior is innate or learned. Plus there are other things that do turn me on the same way, so does that mean I'm not?
• Autism. I have feelings and behaviors in common with that. How do I know for sure if I am or not? What even do I look for?
Let's take a concrete example. I'm not transgender myself, but a lot of my friends are, and the common thread there seems to be "the sex I feel I am inside doesn't match the one I was assigned at birth". It's innate, which makes it worth defending and makes it worth the considerable effort it takes to get the hormones and eventually the surgery and so on. If that feeling could change, then people could be argued out of being trans, and I can't see that ever being a good thing.
There are a lot of things I might be, but I have never known for sure if my experiences are enough proof. If there really are reasons to belong somewhere, innate and immutable like I've been led to believe all the important identity stuff is, then I'd like to know how to tell what those are in ways no one can gatekeep me out of.
A large part of the problem I have declaring or even feeling "yes, I really am X" for some X in the set of communities out there is that there's this fear of being made to prove myself. That someone on the inside will point out how I'm actually not X and that claiming I am is appropriative and harmful and I should never claim to be X again. Because, in a lot of cases, I don't know how to actually _prove_ I belong somewhere. It can't just be down to feelings. I feel like I need a certificate.
Dreamt last night I was in a crowded but joyous place. There was a fountain, an arcade, live music, and a bookstore that served the few college classes that were held there (in auditoriums off to the side of the main plaza, far enough away that noise wasn’t a problem). It was a bit of a maze to get around, though, and shortcutting through the restrooms or jumping down from balconies were ways I ended up getting around.
I live! I have some ideas now that are going to give this account some purpose. This is called XenoChat, after all. I have a new logo for the whole Xeno project (which I'll be installing later on), and a whole fictional universe (okay, a whole fictional city; universes are big) waiting behind the doors here.
I ought to start using this account more. It's been sitting here untouched while Elseways is kind of on hold as a project - the intent was to build that up to something bigger, but it's been hard getting started on actual content. This is a perpetual problem of mine. I love building the engines, but I never have any fuel left over to run them.
This server's admin. Manages the interface between the real world and all the strangeness that goes on inside. Also posts about his own life sometimes.
The official server of the City of Elseways.